Today I hate the movie Juno, for these reasons:
1. It’s hard to like a movie when you dislike the protagonist. I spent much of the movie hoping someone, anyone would punch the snippy, cleverer-than-thou Juno directly in her smart mouth. Why Jennifer Garner’s character wanted anything to do with something sharing genetic material with that wisecracking harpy escapes me.
2. Gosh, Juno took a rather casual angle on teenage pregnancy, didn’t it? It made pregnancy look like a mildly annoying experience during which you have to ruin your skinny jeans and people look at you funny in school, but it’s all over soon enough and then you can get back to playing guitars with your boyfriend. (As Stuff White People Like pointed out, try making the same movie with a black or Latina character. How many critics would slam a minority Juno as irresponsible?)
3. Juno really pushes the insufferable hipster ethos that the content of your character is determined by the music you listen to (or, perhaps, the horror movies you ironically watch). One of my least favorite scenes was when Juno says her favorite band is “a three-way tie between The Stooges, Patti Smith and The Runaways,” and the movie flashes stills of each of those bands. We’re supposed to like Juno because she’s detached and hip and listens to ‘70s punk instead of Top 40 pop, which would mark her as a lightweight unfit for our attention.
4. When Michael Cera’s character won that race near the end of the movie, why wasn’t he breathing hard? The mile is a tough race!
5. Everyone else liked this movie. Ninety-three percent of critics counted by Rotten Tomatoes liked it, and the screenplay won an Oscar. When I hate a movie, I want everyone to agree with me!