Today I hate that safeties are only worth two points. What event in football is cooler than a safety?* The defense has achieved perfect success, vanquishing the opposing offense so completely that it has nowhere to retreat, like a conquered army being pushed into the sea. This feat is so difficult that it rarely happens, yet a team that achieves it receives only two points, less than if it had chipped in a garden-variety 20-yard field goal.
I love everything about the safety. I love the pope's-hat signal the refs make, I love that the humiliated team has to kick off to its tormentors, and that it has to do so using the emasculating free kick. When I become President of Football, my first act will be to make safeties worth 11 points.
* Answer: a kick returned 99 yards for a touchdown. Long kick returns should get bonus points awarded on some sort of logarithmic sliding scale.