Today The Awesome is April, who declined to lay up for herself treasures upon earth -- where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal -- and bought me a tube of face scrub that has solved my disgusting mustache dandruff problem. The face scrub contains an amazing active ingredient called "sand" that exfoliates the hell out of the dead skin under my mustache. Thanks to you, April, our long national nightmare is over.
(By the way, using face scrub -- instead of Lava soap, or 40-grit sandpaper -- to wash my face, and using the word "exfoliate" unironically, does not make me The Gay. The face scrub comes in a gunmetal-gray tube with a pine tree drawing on the front, so anybody can see that it's for manly men.)