Wednesday, April 8, 2009

WHAT I HATE TODAY: Your daily dose of negative energy

Today I hate my retardo phone. You see, I've learned the hard way that if you rub its little phoneclit (also known as the "on” key) for a few seconds, it will get very excited and have a little phonegasm (also known as “calling 911”). I don't do this on purpose, of course, but due to the complicated physics properties of my left pants pockets,* it happens every so often by accident. I know when it happens because I get a call back from the Denver Police Department, which I do not answer.

Right now you are saying, "Hey, why don't you lock your phone's keypad?" Ha ha, I am way ahead of you! I do lock the keypad, of course, but the phonegasm function works even when the keypad is locked. Which would seem to defeat the purpose of locking the keypad. But what does a Harvard dropout like me know?

Or occasionally when I'm enjoying some frottage on the C train.


  1. Madame BeaujoulaisApril 9, 2009 at 3:33 PM


    BTW, you *do* realize that, at some point--given a sufficient numbers of incidents--your phonegasmoholic wireless device may eventually garner you a personalized visit from a distinguished member of your local constabulary?

    In the news:

    "A local man was arrested today for making false 911 calls to the Denver Metropolitan Police Department from his cell phone. The suspect, Lawrence Pelo of Denver, was arrested at his home late Thursday evening. He told the police that the 911 calls were "accidental" and occured while he was sexually gratifying himself on the C train. Police records show the 911 calls originated from cellular towers located along the light rail right-of-way twice a day and began shortly after the man purchased the cell phone several months ago. Police are also investigating why the man had the phone set to vibrate on high instead of using an audible ringtone as most people do. Sgt. Clousseau of the DMPD said that they are taking this matter very seriously. "False 911 calls can divert response to real emergencies and thus result in life threatening delays. This is no joke" When asked about the suspect's deviant behavior, Sgt. Clousseau responded, "Oh, that, uh, we're not aware of any laws regarding that, and, um, excuse me." Sgt. Clousseau pulled a loudly buzzing cell phone form his front pocket. "I need to take this call," he said.

  2. Har! Love the Pink Panther reference.

    BTW, why does this call show on my Caller ID as "HARVARD,UNIVERSITY"?